Who I was - Part I

My story is by no means simple, but I won't flatter myself by assuming that you care to hear every gory detail. I will, however, share the detail that I feel are relevant to my present state of life. I will try to keep it painless.

My childhood was not perfect, but it was good. My less-than-perfectly-functional family found a way to avoid killing one another and between my own parents and the families in our neighborhood, I managed to reach adolescence, young adulthood, then "maturity" (I use that word loosely) with relative success.

With a common desire to exit my parent's homes, I accepted the marriage proposal of my high school sweetheart (somehow just moving in together didn't seem reasonable because we went to church). 8 days prior to our December 1st wedding, we found out that we were pregnant. We didn't know how pregnant, but we were pregnant. That was a drama all its own, but in the end I was given the greatest gift of my life - my first child - so such drama is now void.

The day of my wedding, my sister looked me in the face and asked me quite clearly, "Is this what you want? If it's not, we can walk downstairs, get in my car & drive away. I will deal with the drama and the questions." Inside I wanted to take her up on it, but for what would not be the last time, what I was convinced was my civil duty to my child overwhelmed my intuition and primal instincts. Also not for the last time, I put on my ever-convincing fake smile and told her I was sure.

Nearly two years later, still struggling with post-partum depression and an undiagnosed thyroid disorder,  I found myself weighing 315 pounds. I buried myself in computer games, online chat, and food. I was hiding from myself. I attempted suicide by swallowing 250 tablets for IB profun, only to have my stomach pumped. I was a stay-at-home Mom who was not "allowed" to work, but in truth, the only person stopping me was... me. I readily blamed my husband, but I held myself back and used his refusal to support my employment as a prepared excuse.

Fast forward about 18 months... I am employed full-time merchandising beer & wine for a company I was referred to by my Uncle, over 100 pounds lighter, and living on my own with my one-year-old daughter. I am legally separated from my husband, dating a great guy named Ryan, and as happy as I feel I am capable of feeling. In retrospect, this was a mediocre, forced form of happiness, but at the time it was the best I knew.